My first film release of the year is has just dropped. It feels good to put something into the world again. I hope you connect with it. Watch it here.
My friend Tara thinks this what Australians sound like...
This could be the worst Australian accent I have ever heard... although we probably don't sound much better.
First film of the year
My first film of the year is ready to drop on 14th April (7pm EST). This one features my long time close friend Matt Barca from 3136 Muay Thai Gym. The film delves into his personal struggles with depression and anxiety. This film is apart of my journey into the exploration of common mental illnesses. I will be releasing a major film on the subject later this year.
The suicidal dilemma
This is a tough battle, it’s a tough experience and it is also tough to be honest about it. Everyday I’d like to feel I’m getting stronger and the journey is worth it, but the dark times are very hard to bear. In the past, I have been quite a modest person and communicating to people at my low points is such a torturous task. So many things plague my mind and every time I start to talk about it, I feel morose. A person that cannot fathom the depths of depression, can’t really mentally unravel the true torment of the disease. As I've stated in my earlier posts, my interpretation of deep depression does not reflect feelings of sadness, it is more a state of numbness, a connection to nothing and nobody. It seems to be a futile task to seek help, when you have no means to connect with it. This leads me to the extremely difficult and complex subject of suicide or suicidal tendencies. Throughout my life I constantly hear people speaking ill of others that either commit or speak of committing suicide. First of all, I do not condone suicide as the sole answer to deep despair, but I certainly understand the state of mind that leads people to that dark hopeless place. Suicidal thoughts and feelings never come from self-pity or selfishness and the league of people who spread this mistruth, only close doors to the sufferers. I believe in many cases it comes from despondency with the rest of the world and the feeling that no connection can ever be obtained or maintained. This is a wild thought process and it can drive a seemingly normal person to a state of melancholy.
I have many friends that suffer deep depression and quite a few that have ended their existence (but not their legacy). Like many, I wish I had the chance to speak to them and tell them I understand how they feel even though different circumstances have lead us to our common ground.
Everyday I feel like I’m gripping a double-edged sword, one side depression and the other anxiety/panic disorder. One side is the comfort of death and the other terrified of the thought entering my mind. I know my journey is important, but it really pains me to live like this.
A few weeks ago I decided to change the momentum. I decided to face my depression and anxiety head on. With baby steps I feel like I am making progress. I understand that I am going to feel really horrible sometimes, but I know it always passes; even when it feels like it will never pass. Everyday I am training my mind and I have just started an exercise and reading regime, lets just say things are looking good for now.
A friend of mine once said, that he lives his life trying to gain/earn opportunities for the friends who were not awarded the same chance, to aim for the aimless, I always liked that idea.
Thanks James
A nice little photo by my man James Smith (http://
Brothers behind bars
Many of my close friends have experienced life within the confines of a jail cell. As a youth I thought it was normal to have an array of friends living a common existence in and out of prison, it wasn’t until I started socialising in different social circles that I realised that this was not the norm. I could comfortably say an excess of 60 of my friends have been inside and many times I narrowly avoided being locked away myself. To many it may seem like I associated with misguided people and I guess they’d be right. But growing up around the lost ones, taught me many valuable life lessons and I honestly would not choose to walk another path. We share many common traits some of them are unshakable. I grew up with varied so called social misfits including robbers, murderers, drug dealers, drug users and the list goes on, but truthfully most of them were/are not bad people. I don’t make excuses for the many crimes committed (especially ones that harmed the innocent), but sometimes life hands us different circumstances, contrasting terrains and alternative mindsets, which lead to outcomes that are unfathomable to the sheltered population. I for one was not given equal circumstances to the many surrounding middle class that lived behind a guarded white picket fence. Put simply, life did not seem to be fair for me and many of my comrades. Many of us went without love, guidance and positive role models to teach us the right way to live. Our family were our homies and with limited skills, we taught eachother how to survive. As a kid, immaturity sets in and a simple decision of right and wrong can sit either side of a blurred line. Many times, the right side was doing whatever it took to either ‘fit in’ or to have things that the more fortunate were awarded. We may not have made what is seen to be the right decision but inherently these skills have to either be taught or sought out and it is extremely difficult for a misguided youth to search for the unknown.
Some of us were lucky to have people to guide us in the right direction before it was too late, but others never had the opportunity. My immediate crew are the lucky ones, but all of us bare the many scars of the past. We all saw things that a human should never see and we carry this with us everyday. This enables us to have the same thought process and I have never encountered anyone that understands me like my brothers. When I am lucky enough to see them, I am blessed with shots of shared wisdom and an unconditional love that can only be brought upon by the horror of times past. These are the only people I would trust with my own life.
We lost so many people along the way, more than an average man should over a few lifetimes. I feel it is an honour and a privilege to be still standing after many narrow escapes. I now dedicate my life to teaching youth that they are better than they think or have been previously conditioned. I have an amazing team around me and I feel that inch by inch, scrap by scrap we guide their infinite intelligence. Everytime I walk into a classroom I take a piece of my brothers with me.
Thank you brothers, you know who you are.
The shield of a broken man.
I grip the sheets of despair,Afraid of living through the long breath, My habitual distress runs buried, in the depths of grey, Your affection is numbed by this dazed coma, Crave me in endlessness, And I'll be present in morning, But my sentiment will be absent, I shed dry tears as your yearning unfolds, I want to return, but know not how, I sit in the dimness, With fire in my chest and inward thoughts, If the doors led to me, bare gifts of grandeur, Hold this cold heart through the fire of ages, And with every wound healed, Love me so, just love me so.
Shayne Hood aka Johnny Brixton
Artwork by Steven Worthey
I just want a healthy child...
I came across a blog today (http://homophobicmom.tumblr.com) and I honestly can't believe that there are still people like this in existence. This is exactly the behaviour that leads to the demise of our youth. It seems that our society is constantly teaching people to look down upon anyone who doesn't march to the same drum. I'd like to think that I respect the opinions of my fellow humans, but lack of (life) education combined with off the cuff insensitivity is seriously debilitating our psychologically outdated society. The truth is, people construct stories or ideologies with intention to opress people or groups that pose difference. Unfortunately many of these fables are plagued by unfounded facts and agenda spawned propoganda. It makes me wonder, why people continue do this and how this utter stupidity is still acceptable in our supposed modern society.
I'm all for people having opposing opinions and truthfully I feel in order to expand my current knowledge, I must truly listen to people even if their vizard seems clothed in ignorance. On many occasions I have been proved wrong and some of these moments are the highlights of my life. But when it comes to putting people down, it's something I cannot tollerate.
I hope that my children (when I have them) will follow the same mentality and I hope to be equally as open minded when they choose their own personal legend. Truthfully, I just want to raise a healthy happy child, regardless of their sexual preference or natural path.
One week on
It has been one week since expressing a personal insight into my quest for my own inner truth and self belonging. I have been inundated with positive feedback and love, which I am very grateful for. Some of you may have seen me post about a film I’m producing to explore the inner demons of Depression and Anxiety/Panic Disorder. It has been a very confronting task to mentally and emotionally prepare for something that hits so close to home, but I feel that I am ready for the challenge. These ailments are widely spoken about, but rarely understood and I hope my film changes the often misguided perspective. I also hope it will help educate some of my friends and loved ones who are keen to gain a better understanding of what I (and many others) endure day to day (I'm sure many sufferers can relate to this).
Thank you to all my friends who have supported my venture to build strength, understanding and assistance for those that feel they have no voice.
2014
It's funny how things happen when you embody a slight change in momentum. Last year was a very difficult year for me, when all plans directed 2013 to be one of my most successful years in career satisfaction and spiritual complacency. Instead it was a battle of mental dis alignment, self harm, a life threatening experience and most of all a fear of never being able to live a well adjusted life. I spent my time trying to reach heights of creative stimulation whilst nursing awful inner scars and new wounds that seem to never heal. Yesterday I arrived home from 3 weeks in the UK and a short stint in Germany, in my mind this trip was to be an escape from what sometimes felt like a cursed existence. I met some amazing new friends and I have honestly never felt more cared for. But unfortunately the dark clouds of depression seemed to linger more than ever. The numbness was overwhelming and really choked the life out of me. The worst thing is, you can't explain it to people that have not faced the demon. The best way to explain my deep depression, is a feeling of sadness that makes you so numb that you can't feel or attach to anything anymore.
Today I woke after some pretty severe jet lag and decided that this year I am going to attempt to make things better. I wrote a list of goals and decided I was going to achieve them, even if I had to do it with a few uncontrollable vices under my belt. My first goal was to get healthy, so this morning I decided to do some light boxing training. After a few tiring rounds I hear a voice call my name. It was my old boxing trainer 'Jim Bakolias', although I had been to the gym quite a few times, I hadn't seen him in well over a year. Jim originally taught me how to tackle my aliments through the art of boxing. He even trained me the the same day his mother passed, he really holds a special place in my heart. Jim gave me a look that cut straight through me (he has a knack for reading my pain) and said "So, when are we training again". It looks like I'm already heading to my first goal.
I'm not going to give superficial well wishes for 2014, I am just going to strive to stay alive and direct my destiny with love and nurture. I wish the same for those that are in a familiar situation.
East London is a nice time
I leave my tube sailing London tomorrow to head home to sunny/unpredictable Melbourne. I spent most of my day in Shoreditch, East London. Shoreditch is a nice place to stroll around and absorb, it has a certain character to it, I can see why people like it. I then went and got a tattoo from the fine folk at The Family Business in Exmount Market... perfect thing to do before a 24hr flight... I've enjoyed my stay in UK and Germany, they have both been so kind to me.
Camden Town
I've just started my first stint in London and I'm pretty sure I like it. It seemed pretty nice out and around the Camden Markets... its pretty fast paced, people just walk straight through eachother, it's funny to watch. Anyways first day in London, no sleep but in spirits.
Sehr Erfreut Berlin
I have been in Berlin for two days (leaving tomorrow) and it is really hard not to love this place. It's been really nice Germany, but back to Manchester we go. See you soon.
Day trip in Shover
Location scouting in Sholver Housing Estate for my new project with my brother Charlie Bosco. So lovely.
Coming Soon...
Happy 5 year anniversary
Happy 5 year wedding anniversary to my beautiful wife! She encourages me every day to do what I love.
Antonio Gramentieri (Sacri Cuori)
Sacri Cuori are fast becoming one of my favourite bands. I saw them perform three times whilst they were out here and I was lucky enough to film them recording their new record at Southpaw Studios in Fitzroy. This video is only a snippet of what I captured on the day... more to come.
5 days later
After a pretty severe asthma scare last Wednesday morning, I'm finally out of hospital today. This confronting reality has in turn lead me to put my life into a new perspective. Sitting alone in a hospital bed, really afforded me the time to think about what is meaningful and how treasured existence really is. I'd like to send a warm thanks to everyone who came into visit, called me or sent kind messages of concern, it's really nice to know I have an abundance of good friends. I'm feeling a whole lot better now and I'm slowly on the road to being 100% again.
Be back soon
Apologies for my lack of posts, I'm on a short holiday at St Vincent Hospital. I'm OK though man.
A film about Depression, Anxiety & Panic Disorder
As you may or may not know I (and many of my friends) suffer from depression, anxiety and panic disorder. These disorders have contributed to many dark and horrific moments in my life. Those that have either of these disorders, know how severely crippling they can be and at times it's very hard to direct towards a positive future. To offset some of my own personal symptoms/phobias, I decided to start a project to help raise awareness and money for charities who understand our pain and suffering and look towards positive measures of management.
Now, the idea is still in it’s infancy and I’m sure I could tighten it up a little, but the overall concept is pretty solid.
THE IDEA
The idea is to create a short film that features 10 prominent people whom suffer from one or all of these mental diseases. My objective is to dig deep into the subject and expose each of their stories, vulnerabilities and most importantly how the disorder directly affects their daily lives. I aim to make the film very raw and extremely personal, no censorship.
I want to find people who hold great standing in the creative industries (music, art etc). People who are very well known to the general public or within their culture/subculture.
So far I have locked in 6 people, who are down to participate.
WHY WILL THIS HELP?
The hope for the film is to encourage people to feel comfortable in talking about these disorders and to know that they are not alone in their turmoil. If people in notable positions are willing to be vulnerable, then it should create a butterfly effect.
HOW TO RAISE MONEY
At this stage I am not sure which charity to donate to, maybe you guys can help with that. I want to look at a few options, before I make my final decision. Either way here are some ways to raise money (feel free to add any ideas).
1. The film will be available online and people will be asked to make a donation (small or large) in order to view it. This should raise the most funds. 2. Packages or offerings donated by the chosen artists within the film. 3. Film screening or launch event. All profits generated, will be donated to the charity.
THE ONGOING PROCESS
I would like to set up a youtube account and or website, where people can share their own stories and experiences, with the view of building an online support group.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
I'm well versed on my own personal experiences with the disorders/illnesses, but I am interested in learning more about others too. I would love to talk to/interview others that go through the same thing. Maybe we could build a support group of some sort.
Thanks to everyone that has supported so far, you mean the world to me.
Any private correspondence can be sent to 10percenters@johnnybrixton.com